I'm on a Boat!
by qhckaloyhzcxtmb
Summary: What happens when an obnoxious American forces his English best friend into a cruise, and brings said bestie's ex along because what the hell? This. This story happens. See inside for full summary and all pairings!
1. Deaf To All Things Stupid

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	2. The Beach is a Bitch

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	3. Best Friends and He Doesn't Even Know It

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	4. Ideas Like This Deserve Nobel Prizes!

The trees stirred in the breeze, the leaves being blown in Arthur's direction, almost as if urging him on.

It was a beautiful day. The air was light and slightly cool and smelled of flowers; the sun was hiding behind fluffy white clouds against a dramatic blue, morning sky; a few birds serenaded Arthur with their pleasant warbles.

If he wasn't about to make a fool of himself, he would have enjoyed this day greatly.

He was slouching, hands deep in his pockets, head low in shame. He really did not want to do this, but it was better than living with shame and guilt.

The houses all around him seemed for well-to-do families. He wondered if he was even in the right place. Surely Alfred would have a nice, simple apartment, as Arthur himself did. Besides, the houses seemed at least moderately expensive, and as far as Arthur knew, Alfred didn't work, his laziness and low attention span unable to make him keep a steady job.

Yet he had a Mustang convertible. And a house in a wealthy neighborhood.

How the hell _did _Alfred make money? Did he mooch off his parents or something?

Arthur looked up. The house he now stood in front of was the same address hastily scribbled on his hand. 819... Hamburger Street? He stared in disbelief. The crazy names Americans called their streets.

Well, at least the red Mustang outside (hood down and therefore likely to get stolen; but of course) confirmed this was Alfred's house. Were it not for the car, Arthur would have never guessed the American lived here and thought he'd had the wrong address. Slowly, he made his way from the driveway to the front of the door, his raised fist ready to knock.

But something held him back.

"_Should I really do this_?" he thought, lowering his arm, "_I mean, Alfred is probably going to call me any minute now and babble on about how sorry he is, and _I _don't have to do this, but instead _him_. Yeah, I probably should-"_

The door opened, and Alfred stepped out. "Artie!" he exclaimed, surprised, "What brings you here? I thought you hated me now."

Arthur stammered. "Ah... er, I... how did you...? I'm here to, well... sorry and... yeah," he concluded lamely.

Alfred blinked. "What?"

The Brit sighed and looked down again. "I wanted to apologized for my behavior yesterday. I don't like water, as you know, but I think I could have acted more rationally." He spoke timidly, not daring to steal a peek upward. He scratched his head awkwardly. "So, um, will you accept my apology? And no, I don't hate you. I don't think I could if I tried," he added.

Mentally, Alfred was doing cartwheels, making snow angels, lightning fireworks, eating a burger- all the world's happiest things were molded into one big explosion of awesomeness and joy. He trembled with excitement, a goofy grin spreading across his face.

"YAY!" he yelled, pulling Arthur into a crushing hug, "WE'RE BIFFLES AGAIN!"

"B-biffle?" stuttered Arthur, unable to breathe.

"Duh, that's 'best friends for life' abbreviated," scoffed Alfred, releasing his wheezing friend, "And you totally just saved me from having to say sorry to _you_! 'Cause, you know, I sorta acted like a dick." Alfred flashed a thumbs up and widened his grin, signaling all was cool.

Arthur slightly scowled; he had been right from the start; but Alfred's genuine elation was funny- cute, even. He allowed himself a smile. "Well, um, can I come in? I sort of walked all the way and I'm tired."

"Sure, go ahead! And you walked? Dude, I could have just picked you up." Alfred realized what he said. "Oh, wait... never mind that last statement! Come on, I'll get you a Coke or somethin'." He ushered his guest in, pointing to a sofa where he could sit.

Arthur was dumbstruck at the eye-gouging array of colors a patriotic unicorn had probably barfed all over the place. Everywhere his eyes darted, it was pretty much blue, white, or red. Some dark shades, some pleasant pastel, and some outright blinding neons attacked his eyesight. He had to temporarily close his eyes so he wouldn't get dizzy. He blindly felt around, trying to find the sofa, and once his hands petted something soft and velvety, he plopped himself on it with a sigh, squinting his eyes open.

Alfred came back with two sodas. He handed one to his friend and sipped the other himself. Arthur thanked him but didn't really plan to drink the sugary, artificially flavored beverage Alfred was downing.

"Grrugh... aghagrg, ghurgh," he gargled, trying to talk as he chugged his drink.

"Idiot, drink it and then talk!" snapped Arthur, disgusted, "Besides, you could choke!

Alfred gulped the drink and smacked his lips. "Ah. Dude, chillax. I do this all the time. The only time I ever choked on food was when I made up my own hamburger recipe- beef, bacon, fish, and chicken in between two buttery, toasted buns; barbecue sauce and ketchup drizzled-"

Arthur stopped him, feeling vomit start to gather at the back of his throat. "No need to share," he gasped, swallowing back the vile baby barf.

His friend sighed dreamily, resting his head on his hand. "Other than almost dying after taking that first, lethal, huge bite, it was probably the best meal I've ever had."

"...I bet it was."

"Anyway." Alfred composed himself, straightening up. He knew Arthur had come because he'd been obsessively watching the windows and waiting for his arrival, and once he saw the bushy golden caterpillar hair that was Arthur's, got himself ready at the door. He'd gone over a speech repeatedly in his head, trying to gently lay down the fact they were going on an impromptu cruise and Francis was coming along.

"Do you like boats? I like boats. They're big and cool and big and boat-y and big. Yup. They're fun to go to for trips and shit. Yessiree." "_Smooth Al, smooth."_

Arthur blinked. "I don't know, I've never been in one. I don't plan on ever being in one, either."

"_Well, then. Um. What do I say?" _"But it's nothing to be scared of, Artie. They're big-"

"I think we already established that."

"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH. They're big and really high off the water. It's like being in a metal house skimming over water, and in the house there's a bunch of cool stuff! Like casinos and food and cafeterias and a theater and all-you-can-eat buffets and pools and food."

"Alfred," Arthur began slowly, "That's a cruise you're describing, not a boat. And why are we discussing this?"

"Cruise, boat, same thing!" Alfred laughed nervously, waving his hand and dismissing his mistake. "_Shit. Shit shit shit times ten million shits. If I switch the subject to cruises, he's going to know what's up. I think he already suspects me of something fishy anyway. Think of something Alfred, quick!"_

He stopped his fit of fake laughter and spoke seriously. "You like cruises." It was not a question, but a statement.

Arthur burrowed his eyebrows in concern. "Are you feeling alright, Alfred? I know you have a horrid attention span, but, um, you're being suspiciously fidgety. What are you hiding from me? And why do you keep talking about cruises and going on the-?"

The Earth stopped spinning and time froze. Silence thumped in Arthur's ears, or perhaps that was his heartbeat, just magnified greatly. The truth hit him hard, as if a punch had been harshly delivered to his stomach. He felt breathless.

"You want to go on a cruise. With me." He spoke flatly, but his green eyes revealed the terror he felt. The pupils had enlarged and seemingly plead Alfred for this to be a misunderstanding.

"Ahahaha, what makes you think that?" Alfred's laughter was now dry and clipped and soft, obviously falsified, "Artie, you're _reeeaally_ out there someti- okay, yeah, I'm taking you on a cruise."

Arthur screamed and stood up, bolting for the door. Alfred blocked his way before he could open it.

"No, listen to me!" he growled, keeping Arthur's flailing and crying self an arm's length away from him, "This is for your own damn good. Seriously, I'm a saint for doing this. I'm fucking paying for everything, you know! Even for Francis!"

"FRANCIS IS COMING TOO?"

To say Arthur's voice was a feminine, high, shrill shriek would be putting it mildly.

"Gah!" Alfred hit himself quickly on the forehead. "Um, yeah he is. But Artie, I'm doing this so you can get over your fear of water!"

"Oh yeah, because putting me in a bloody floating piece of metal in an ocean is going to make me feel marvelous! And adding that stupid alcoholic frog for good measure makes everything so _great_!" Arthur spat, clawing for the door. "Let me go! Let me g-"

Arthur was now pinned to the floor by Alfred, who had tackled him and taken the breath from the poor rambling man. He wheezed for air.

"It seems I do this a lot," observed Alfred, face darkening, "Tackling you when you get all freaked out."

Arthur continued to wheeze and gasp.

"Now I will very calmly explain just what is going on. Got it?"

Arthur managed to squeak out "Got it".

"WE ARE GOING ON A FUCKING CRUISE TO CURE YOUR FUCKING WATER-A-PHOBIA AND YOU WILL FUCKING LIKE IT."

He smiled sweetly, all the thunderous boom gone from his voice. "Okies?"

"Okay," Arthur replied, breathing normally now. But he was still very frightened.

"Awesome!" Alfred got off his friend and gave him a hard but friendly thump in the back. "Just you see, once you get on the boat, you'll wonder why you ever got all freaked out around water."

"Can I ask something?" groaned Arthur, rubbing the spot where Alfred had hit him in the back.

"Shoot."

"Why is Francis coming along?"

Alfred's face fell. "Oh. Um, well, I sort of thought if he came along, it'd make you jealous of me bringing him and you'd be like 'Take me too!'. But, um, things didn't go as planned so I bet this just pissed you off more."

"You assume correctly." He scowled. "Can you make him not go? It would make this bloody 'trip' at least a bit more bearable."

"But that's sort of mean!"

"And you signing me up without my consent for this cruise is a divine, heavenly act?"

Alfred huffed. "Okay, okay. Still, though. I don't even think the tickets are refundable."

"You already reserved them? ! You weren't going to wait for my opinion? !"

"Actually, I was considering kidnapping you last-minute and just dragging you along..."

Arthur let out a stifled cry. Whatever was wrong with his life? No, rephrase that. Whatever was wrong with him that made him befriend this particular American? He sputtered, trying to think of a comeback, but what would he say? Alfred had just admitted he would be ready to commit a crime just to help his friend overcome his fear. It made him feel warm and fuzzy inside, which was strange. Alfred's plan was moronic and expensive. Yet...

Finally, he sighed in defeat.

"When do we leave?" he grumbled, unable to believe he was going along with this.

Alfred whooped and brought his best friend into another tight hug. "Start packing your bags now, buddy!" He playfully ruffled the Brit's wild blond tangles. "We leave tomorrow!"

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**Aiyah! I got so caught up in real life (shudder) I couldn't write. I apologize for the delay. But. Good news, everyone!* The trip starts next chapter and they should start meeting characters there.**

**Also, I have never been in a cruise before or know what it's like before you board one and therefore don't know how to write that! Yay!**

**I'll think of something though o.o**

**~atramentaceous**

***Did you read that in Professor Farnsworth's voice? I bet you did.**


	5. Boldly Go Where no Man has Gone Before?

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	6. If Only David Caruso Were Here

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	7. Love's Blind but Hate Fucking Everywhere

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	8. ALL ABOOOOAAARD!

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	9. Not a Wonderful World

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	10. The Title Ran Off to Cheer Alfred On

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	11. Reading Rainbow

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	12. Things are Turbulent!

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	13. I'm Lashing out at You!

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	14. And HIS Ancestors Were Pirates?

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	15. Never Ever Ever for Never Ever

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	16. On the Friendship Roller Coaster

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	17. My Heart is too Busy Puking to go On

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	18. Do you Like to Party Party?

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	19. It's Your Opinion and I'd Like it Now!

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	20. FEEEELINGS

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	21. Insert Psycho Shower Scene Music Here

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	22. FREEZE! Everybody Freak the Fuck Out!

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	23. Why Hello

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End file.
